Where do good ideas come from? – That’s the headline of an article I read from TED-Ed Facebook page earlier (yesterday). As I can recall, it’s a combination of little hunches (owned and borrowed) from different people. Interesting.
I was about to sleep at around 12:30 AM (at my living room couch because I don’t feel like sleeping on my bed tonight), however, my intestines begged me to feed them, which I did. Opened a canned tuna, combined it with bread, and voila! – tuna sandwich!
It’s early in the morning, the window closed, curtains’ opened – for me to still see the sky, and if lucky, the stars. Unplugged my phone from its charger cable, and hit the play button from the Spotify app – to break the silence.
I was enjoying my sandwich – thought of opening a bottle of vodka, but too lazy to walk. A thought hit me – a question that has been asked to me of one of my friends who used to do sleepovers in my crib. No, I only have a few who I allow crashing in my pad and host until the next day. Why, you ask? Because I do not have many friends. The radius of my circle of friends is really, really small.
I thought I would save the idea, and write about it later today, but there was a sudden itch of to take care of it ASAP.
1:38 AM, done eating – grabbed my laptop, and started to write; music still playing, and stayed at the dining area to write these couple of sentences. Then I transferred back to my couch, where I will sleep tonight. Turned off the lights, and get into my most comfortable spot to continue writing.
Back to what I was saying earlier, the thought…
Friend: What do you usually do during your off/s, except traveling?
Me: Umm, I don’t know. Here – I just stay at home when I am not going into places.
Friend: Alone? I couldn’t do that. I need people to talk to, to laugh with. Otherwise, I’ll go crazy.
Yup, that’s how the conversation went. It crossed my mind, and I thought I want to write about it.
Every person in this world is unique. Do you believe that? I do. I do believe that. Why? If people were created all the same, Earth, and life would be boring, don’t you think?
I grew up with a broken family – broken that I get to witness how a happy family stopped being a happy family. (Oops, drama!) Probably, I’ll write about it some other time.
Growing up in a broken, scattered family (members) is difficult. I am the eldest among my sibs (short for siblings). My parents are both Accountants – they really work a lot – when I say a lot, we didn’t see each other every weekday, only weekends (if the Heavens allow). So, can you picture it now? Yes? Cool.
When I was very young, I lived with my grandparents – where I owe a lot of knowledge even when I was a kid (because of the books my grandpa used to read to me, and all the ABC’s and 123’s my grandma taught me).
I never experienced playing outside, with other kids in the village. I do not know how to ride a bike even if my little brother owns one. I was always inside the house, or watching my brother, and the other kids play through my window, sometimes at the porch. I was never invited anyways.
Some friends who know that story says I missed a lot in childhood. Some say, “Oh, that’s why!” with overflowing sarcasm.
I had a few friends when I was in elementary, but it never lasted. I had a lot of friends when I was in high school, but never lasted. A very few when I was in college.
My family used to transfer from one place to another when I was in high school – I studied in 2 different schools back then – because my dad wants to get rid of my puppy love back then. So he transferred me to my mother’s province, where my grandma lived after my grandfather died. (Another drama).
That’s how I was able to accumulate many friends when I was in high school. I do not want to sound like I am lifting my own chair, but dude, my circle of friends were too cool, too smart, and too curious about anything, we became popular. Then, I was transferred – I still hate it whenever I can recall that time – I was having the best years of my life, with cool kids, and some true (puppy) love, yet I have been separated because of some stupid old school reason my dad has in mind.
In the new school, I was bullied. Bullied not only because I look different, but because I sound nasty to them – different accent, and different gesture. I felt like I did not belong. I was judged by the way I look, and by the way I speak. Yes, I gained some “friends” after some months, but never really liked it there.
I was always alone. Why? Because I felt like I was different. I felt insecure. I felt like I was a castaway.
After a year, my mother decided to put me back to my old school, where my real friends are. I was ecstatic. I was happy. I can’t sleep!
But everything was different. My “friends” have their new set of friends already. I felt I was different. I felt insecure. I felt like I was a castaway. Sounds familiar?
After the graduation, I decided to cut my connection to everyone in that school – because I wanted to start fresh. That’s how I was before – I learned how to adapt quickly wherever I was, and whomever I was with. Until now, I suppose. I can easily cut people away from my life – sad, but true.
I did the same thing when I transferred, and graduated in two college universities. I made sure that there are no strings attached to any of my “friends” before. (This is the time when my parents decided to untie their knot.)
That’s the problem. I was the problem. I took people away in my life, and felt sad, and alone.
I had several jobs, and businesses – which taught me how to mingle with other people, different types of people, with various characteristics, and attitude – be it good, or bad.
Business as usual. No friends. No nothing. Yes, I go out with them, listen to them, talk to them, laugh with them even. But nothing has changed inside me when it comes to relationships. I lived in a mindset that I was born alone, I can live alone, and I will die alone. That was my chain of life.
Gladly, little by little, I learned how to cut that chain of li(f)e.
I met a number of people whose intentions are as pure as gold, and stayed in my life whether needed, or not.
I learned how to treasure, and keep a few real friends, and I am still in the journey of letting them stay in my life.
I realized that being alone should not be linked with being lonely, or sad, or depressed, or what not.
Finally, I can say that I love to be with people, but, there are times (mostly) that I love being alone, doing stuff I am delighted of.
You see, living is a process – there are heaps of hurdles that we may encounter, battles that we need to have victory, but there is one great barrier that keeps us stuck – that is our selves.
We have to see the beauty of the ashes of our past, so we can enjoy the journey, the path that we are taking.
We have to know how to take care of relationships that matter, and we have to love ourselves, before we can love others.
Remember, we cannot give what we do not have.
I better stop here – *teary eyed*.
Let me know how you feel about this post. I would love to listen (read), and have conversation with you. I sincerely hope that I was able to spark even a little hope that you are not alone. Never alone!